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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Right Person, Wrong Time or When Calling Off The Wedding Is The Right Thing To Do

You've run the gamut, dating, engagement and now your wedding is looming.  Yes, I said looming.  If that's how you feel about your impending nuptials, the word alone tells you something is very wrong.

What to do?  Stop and reassess.  Now might be a good time to talk to a counselor or minister, together or as a couple.  You can be best friends and be madly in love, but it could still be the wrong time to get married.  Maybe you need to call off the wedding.

Sad, uncomfortable, embarrassing...calling off your wedding is all these things.  But the best thing to do in the long run if you have doubts--DEFINITELY. 

Whether it's due to finances, health issues, jobs, schools, maturity or just 'wrong fit' calling off the wedding is never easy. Sometimes we meet the right person but the timing sucks. You both just got promotions at work, in different cities and are going to be working tons of hours--is this the time to get married? Don't you want to be able to spend TIME together? He got accepted to grad school in California, she in NYC... is this the right time to get married? One or both of you is facing some serious health issues and is not dealing with them, definitely not the time to get married.  He or she is deeply in debt...NOT the time to incur more by having a wedding.  He's a mama's boy or you're a daddy's girl and you see no chance of that changing--not the time to get married. 

The hard fact is people do not change after you marry them.  Don't go into it hoping they will.  You will be doomed to disappointment. 

Don't expect your engagement to be easy--it won't be.  Planning a wedding brings out stressors in both of you that you've never faced before. Melding families is never easy, and when money is involved it just gets worse. There's a reason you hear the term 'bridezilla'--weddings can bring out the monster in all of us.  The bride, the groom, her family, his family...everyone's worst side has the potential to explode during wedding planning.  You'll see her at her worst, and she'll see your worst side.

So if you have doubts, get counseling. Talk it out. If you're hiding your 'issues' it will all just get worse.  This is a time to learn to work together for a healthy, long term relationship.  To find out if the person you're considering marrying in June will be a supportive spouse a few years later too.  Don't get carried away with all the lace, cake, music and venues.  Concentrate on the nitty gritty.  You as a couple. Can you make it together?

And if you find it isn't going to work, don't hesitate to call it off. I've talked to brides-to-be, grooms-to-be, and potential parents of the bride and groom who've called it off.  They all agree, short term it's embarrassing and difficult.  But long term it's the best thing to do. 

If you're reading this and thinking 'hey this sounds like us' it sounds to me like it's time to find a good counselor or just call it off.  A called off wedding is embarrassing but a divorce is devastating.

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